It is yet another sunny day in the middle of February in Eugene. The weather reports say it is supposed to stay sunny with temperatures getting into the high 50s until Tuesday, when it will begin to rain again. I love these sunny breaks that happen during the winter. The rain starts to feel like a burden after a few days or a week. The sun seems to make everyone happy. Even though it still feels cold outside, a lot of people dress in shorts and T-shirts. Not me. I’m still wearing two jackets, sweat pants and a scarf. Of course, I am sick and worried that exposure to the cold air will make it worse or last longer.
Sunshine and blue skies do seem to hold a promise; one that says things will not always suck and they will get better. But then the rain returns and the heavy clouds weigh down the sky again and it seems to promise that the good times are never permanent either. Is life always going to be an emotional roller coaster?
I know that it does not have to be. I have many friends whose lives are much more stable than mine. Sometimes I contemplate their everyday routines and what their priorities might be and I ask myself would I be happier living like that? Then I consider the reasons why I am unhappy right now. In both the long term and the short term, the majority of my unhappiness is related to my family. Realizing this, I know that I have three options. I can find a way to become immune to their dysfunctional behavior and beliefs, I can push them out of my life or at least into a smaller corner of it, or I continue in the same pattern of misery with them. The third option is the easiest to accept in the short run, but intolerable over an extended time period. The first option doesn’t seem likely to happen for years to come. The second option has the highest chance of success.
However, I think part of implementing the second option is once again believing in myself and my values and not feeling so vulnerable and doubtful all the time. To be honest, many of the things that happened between June 2007 and March 2009 eroded much of the strength I had built up. Since then, I have had little faith in myself and my abilities. It would have been impossible to try to heal during this time because it seemed that one trauma was immediately followed by the next. I have spent the last year getting used to not constantly navigating my way through one problem just to find myself amid a new one.
Now, I am in a position to feel again. And I am unhappy. As I said, a lot of it is because of family issues but then there are problems I could have avoided. I fell in love with an unavailable man. During the entirety of our relationship, I completely understood how unavailable he was. Yet, I allowed myself to pursue it and get more deeply involved. The more involved I became, the more I lost sight of how unavailable he was. And then it all came crashing to an end I wasn’t ready for. Now, I am stuck with a sadness that I could have prevented or at least lessened by not getting so involved.
I guess, then, I am in the process of figuring out how to become stable without becoming bored. I need a lot of stimulation. But maybe once I begin to allow myself to deal with things instead of avoiding them I will find that I no longer need the same stimulation.