Over the last year, I have talked about changes I want to make. I made progress sometimes but I feel I am in a hole right now. I'm stuck in the same place and have gone no further forward. One friend actually called me out, telling me I always say I'm going to do something but then never do it. So, what's the problem?
In a word, shame. I am weighed down by so much shame. It's like a fog over my whole life and I can only see a couple of inches in front of me. Goals, I tell myself, I need goals! I had them before. What happened to them and how did I forget them? Friends and new acquaintances and family members ask me what I will do now that I have graduated. I try to focus and I try to concentrate, but the dreams I had no longer come to me.
I am so ashamed by my poor choices and of the even poorer choices the original poor choices led me to. Granted, some of it was out of my control, but I am good at surviving, at getting through to the next day. Many choices are made with little thought, because I simply want to survive. Sure, I have dreams about the future, but I never took them seriously.
I shouldn't be so hard on myself. Really, looking at the big picture I'm amazing. Right? I used to know I was amazing and the reasons why.
It isn't just the shame. It's the terror, too. I know if I think about it too much I will feel all the shame and the terror and be an even bigger mess than now. I've spent my life running from them and now my resources are exhausted and I can't run anymore. What the fuck am I going to do?