When I was in high school, I loved the song "David Duchovny" by Bree Sharp. I still love it, because it is the kind of song we can all relate to. Who hasn't been frustrated by a fantasy crush on a celebrity? Also, it is a song that is meant to be sung out of tune at the top of your lungs in places like the shower or driving alone in the car or at a Karaoke bar.
Today, I discovered another song by Bree Sharp through my Ani DiFranco station on Pandora. It was a live version of "Not Your Girl." While "David Duchovny" is a silly song about a dream that will obviously never be realized, "Not Your Girl" is a deeper pain. In it, I hear the story of girl in a relationship with a man who would rather be with someone else, but she keeps hoping that he will eventually see her as the someone else he wants.
The frustration and hurt expressed in "Not Your Girl" are very familiar feelings to me. I have been in several relationships, yet rarely do I feel like I am with someone who adores me. When I say adore, I mean someone who finds himself thinking about me every other minute and can't hardly breathe when he remembers the way I smiled the night before. I want someone who would lasso the moon for me even if he knew he couldn't. In sum, I want someone who would be as in to me as I am in to him. I'm aware that this isn't realistic or healthy or enduring, but it is what I recently find myself craving.
In some situations, I have had men express such sentiments early in the relationship. I find this suspicious since they can not possibly yet understand who I am or what they are getting into. Only one man seems to actually love me despite being familiar with my extensive flaws, but he is also completely unavailable right now and possibly forever.
What is further frustrating is that I see many of my friends finding the adoring partners that I want. Tons of men tell them how beautiful they are and how they have never met a more amazing person. Maybe my perception is skewed, but I have only ever heard one man say these things and actually believed him. I suppose that many of the declarations my friends hear lack sincerity as well. Still, I feel unworthy in comparison to them, even when what they have isn't something I want.
The real question I have at the moment is why do I want this adoring man in my life so much more now than I have in the past? Before I could listen to a song like "Not Your Girl" and relate to it, but I believed in myself. The difference is before I would have compromised a lot less for a relationship than I would now. So, what happened?
I believe that once again the answer lies with my family relationships. Before the three months that I had to live with grandmother in 2009, I had not spent any extended period of time with any single family member for seven and half years. I cut off most of contact with them and was secure in the righteousness of what I was doing. But then I got knocked on my ass by my own unwise and impulsive choices and ended up returning to my birth place and seeing my immediate family several times a month. Without being fully aware of it, I ceded control and lost my credibility. Now, the ball was in their court.
On a logical level, nothing has changed expect that I have more complete information than before, but nothing changed the basic understanding I have of my family. I know that they cannot love me and that it does not mean there is anything wrong with me but rather is an indication of the level of their dysfunctionality. However, emotionally, I wanted to believe that I was the one in control and that their hostility would go away if I ever chose to back down from my position. I wanted to believe that I was precious to my mother and father as they said I was despite what their actions implied. But when I had to go back home and be around them, that fantasy was shattered. I realized how truly unloved I am. My family members believe they love me because they are supposed to and they sometimes do things for me in an attempt to show the love that they think they are supposed to feel for me. But they don't actually love me.
I'm not trying to gain sympathy or pity by writing this. And I'm sure there are people out there who will think I'm exaggerating or that everyone's family is like that. And I'm also sure those people are wrong. My family's level of dysfunctionality is much higher than the normal every-day dysfunctionality we all live with. It is not something experienced by the majority population. This is just a truth I need to understand before I can accept it and take the steps to keep it from eroding my quality of life.
Right now, I can see what has motivated my yearning for someone to yearn for me and why I find myself diving carelessly into impossible relationships that I know will not end well. I don't know what to do about it yet, but having defined the problem should make finding the solution easier. For the moment, I think I will listen to "Not Your Girl" over and over again.